Many people think there's a lot of controversy around being a stay-at-home parent. I think that's overblown. People have different opinions, but I don't think the issue is as heated as some over-hyping rag-peddlers would try to sell it.
That said, it's my opinion that it's good for families to have a stay-at-home parent while the children are young. Usually, the stay-at-home parent is the mother, thus the title of this post. But this post isn't about whether or not it's good to have a stay-at-home parent. This post is about whether or not someone who already thinks it's good should be a stay-at-home parent herself.
To narrow the focus of this post, I will only address having a full time career versus staying at home. I will not address hybrid options, such as those where parents arrange their schedules to share duties or one parent works at home while also acting as a stay-at-home parent.
I know people who are of the opinion that staying at home is fine for regular people but a bad idea for the highly educated, driven, or capable. The "elite," they argue, have more to offer the world and shouldn't be limited by parenting duties. I disagree with that. Here are a few of my reasons:
- If your children don't have a stay-at-home parent, who is staying home with them? Family or, more likely, someone you hired? Is that person a good stand-in for you? If you think you are a particularly gifted person, couldn't you be a particularly gifted stay-at-home parent? Is the person watching your children as intellectually curious as you are? Does that person care about your children as much as you do? The person you choose to be with your child instead of you will have a profound effect on him. That person will affect your child's habits, outlook, speech, areas of interest, exposure to the world, etc. That person is extraordinarily important. That person could be you. Is that a position you want to outsource to someone who you, by your own reasoning not to stay home, deem less exceptional than yourself?
- If you live in the United States and are of average health, you have a life expectancy of about eighty years. Children do not stay very young for very long. Could you pursue your interests as hobbies for a time and pursue outside achievements after your children move out or at least enter school? If so, what's the hurry? The world will still be around when your kids are not.
- It's a common elitist attitude to think that if you're extremely intelligent or successful or creative or wealthy or beautiful or something else, the common rules don't apply to you. Societal strictures are for the little men. But does the world actually work that way? No trait confers harmony, emotional health, or fulfillment of potential on members of a family. Those things require work, and they are often overlooked. Perhaps family work is important enough to merit a sort of family CEO. That can be the role of the stay-at-home parent.
- If you already think that stay-at-home parents are a societal good, and this post is only answering these questions from the perspective of someone who does, what sort of society are you creating if you say that the most promising people should not be stay-at-home parents? If you contribute to the idea that the best and brightest are above the stay-at-home role, are you not creating a society wherein that role is not valued? Who is going to want to stay at home with their children if doing so is viewed by the culture as an admission of mediocrity? You can't help but shape the culture you're in. If you have a vision for the culture, a good place to start molding it is in your own house.
UPDATE: I just received this in my email. Maybe I should forward my blog post to Mary Elizabeth Williams.
6 comments:
Stay-at-home parents are good for society, but I am a smart, capable woman with great promise. Don't I have more to offer the world?"
"Couldn't I be a cog in a faceless corporation, surrounded by people who will forget me a week after I'm handed my pink slip?"
Jason's dead on, as is Natalie Portman.
Truth is, you're not THAT extraordinary. The number of people who are THAT extraordinary is close enough to be statistically insignificant as to be 0.
Except to your kid(s). To them, you'll be the center of the universe for a while and what you do ripples outward across the span of life.
It's really obvious in tech, where the generations cycle faster and faster, but it's true everywhere.
It could be reason #38 why today's children seem less intelligent than their parents or grandparents on average: the brilliant parents are outsourcing the care of their children to the dippy teenage girl down the street OR the illegal alien nanny who barely speaks English, both of whom leave their respective "marks" for life...
Excellent, excellent post, Freeman. You wrote it well, communucating the most essential message: what an important job child-raising really is.
(and I like Matt K. Cassens' comment above too ... so much truth in that!)
Our mothers (depending on how old we are) and grandmothers' generations understood that implicitly: how the value of their being-there parenting mattered so much in how the children turned out.
Not sure how or why that cultural message got lost (feminism, the push to get women to work outside the home, the "good" recognition that fathers too have a role in active, hands-on parenting?) but I sure hope it will come back soon.
Personally, I have no children, but in observing first-hand other people's families, I sometimes make a point to compliment a parent -- in the presence of his or her children -- when I see somebody doing an outstanding job with their own in public. (Mostly, just highly advanced verbal discussions between them, in public place: like McDonalds, when I'm there on free Wi-Fi.)
Always end the quick conversation by noting, "Keep up the Good Work! and I know, it really is work, especially some days..." I also found myself telling my sister and brother-in-law the exact same thing, when I visit their family too. I didn't get that before, so much, just how it's 24/7 reinforcement of values and priorities with children.
At first, in public, I was afraid that made me look dumb, or intrusive, excusing myself and paying the compliment. But I've found, most parents -- and yes, with the young preschoolers and toddlers who amaze me with their verbal interactions, it usually is a mother -- seem to break into a smile when I acknowledge their "good job" and say "keep up the good work!" (I never address the children directly, either, but I suspect they hear and listen.)
Based on those smiles, and thanks, and no rude looks like, "How creepy", I will continue paying such compliments. (only once or twice a month, it occurs; not gratitous praise.)
Anyway, thanks for the excellent reading in this one. You hit the nail on the head, so to speak!
One more:
My own mother remembers how much the Catholic Church used to stress the important role of Mary, as a human role model for us, and of course, for all mothers especially.
Maybe that's another reason too, for the cultural loss, as many Churches -- Mom pointed out to me -- no longer teach that, or even have her statue in a very visible way. An older man -- 80s now -- told me he missed being encouraged to pray to her too -- the emphasis on her special role, so I think this might be a common theme amongst older Catholics. (?)
Thanks again.
Some (young) friends of ours are a couple with two kids. Both are graduates of a major university; she is a stay-at-home mom. She had a great job as a consultant in the health care industry, which she gave up to be a mommy. Her family and friends are pretty upset with her for "wasting" her education (and life by insinuation).
Usually, the sentiment is an undercurrent, but you can see it spill over occasionally on facebook, when her career-minded friends make a cutting remark about priorities and motherhood. Choice is a vaunted trait with that crowd...assuming you make the right choice.
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